Being beautiful..

I was 135pounds and 4'3 in height when i was in elementary. It went on til I was in grade6 and a year later, when i went on to high school, I went from 135 to 80pounds in less than 4months. It wasn't something natural though. You see, I was a bit... anorexic. For a year, I barely ate. I'd eat every once in awhile, yes, but only to let everyone see I was okay and nothing was wrong when in fact, nothing about it was right at all. I drank pineapple juice or softdrinks with an empty stomach every single day when in school (which i later realized was very wrong). I would barely sleep, not because I wanted to stay up but because I was starving. I would drain myself out throughout the day until eventually, I started getting sick. And boy am I still reaping what I sowed 5years ago.

We all strive to be beautiful. Let's face it, not everyone was gifted with the beauty Miss Angola or Shamcey Supsup possesses, course not! But then again, not everyone was gifted with the beauty YOU possess either. 

I remember in 1st year high school, I'd constantly ask my friends if I was fat or if I looked okay. I stopped, eventually, when they all got annoyed with me asking the same question again and again. But I never stopped asking myself, was I beautiful? Was I worth fighting for? Was I "in"? I was always comparing myself to other people, thus pulling myself down every single time. Others say, it's the media's fault why we all think that being thin is in. It actually isn't. It's ours, too. In school, at work, everywhere, we would hear people talk about how beautiful this and that is, how talented, how nice her and her is, thus, our initial reaction instead of appreciating other people's beauty, would be... Oh, so THAT's the basis of beauty. And there we go again, we strive to be someone we're not. And we end up disappointed... again..

Living a life full of insecurities is not the life God wants us to live. He died on the cross, so it must mean you're not just worth fighting for, YOU are worth DYING FOR. 

Ask my friends now, there would still be instances where I'd feel ugly and fat. But at the end of the day, I'd set it aside and overcome. Being beautiful isn't a gift only some people receive, it was given to all of us. The thing is, gifts are to either be accepted or rejected. You're already beautiful! Accept it already!

After a year of starving myself, my dad had me eat 1cup of rice a meal and required me to eat 3meals a day. Sometimes even 4. I refused at first, but he grounded me for a month for not obeying so I eventually took in all that rice. Haha I didn't gain all that weight back, but I did feel a bit better. Now, I am anemic, I have gastritis every once in awhile, I get neuritis attacks every so often and I have all these other sicknesses I don't know what to call. I've changed, yes. I have found my identity in Christ, yes. But the consequences of my decisions in the past still haunt me to this day. So dearly beloveds, please don't do the same mistake I did. It's not worth it. Don't let the enemy poison you with lies not at all worth hearing. You ARE beautiful. No need to fight to be. 

I know how hard it is to turn the TV on and not wish you were as pretty as she is or be as tall or as thin or as talented. It's hard to go on twitter or tumblr and not feel insecure about how many followers this person has when you have less than a hundred, ones who don't even read what you tweet! Or log on facebook and see how many likes her pictures have and the only likes you get are from your mom and a person you don't even know. Or go on YouTube and see millions of views on their videos but barely on yours. It's hard, I know. But are you really gonna let twitter, tumblr, facebook or YouTube define who you are? Is the internet really where your identity is found?

In the end, I realized that when we think we're not beautiful, let alone know what we're worth, God is more hurt than we are. We were made in His likeness, in His image. We were paid with a price.  The more we dwell on lies, the more we live on it. You see, the truth is, we are beautiful and we are priceless. The sooner we accept it, the better.

Being beautiful is a decision to accept that you already are. Be yourself. Don't try to be older or younger. Don't try being someone else. You're at your best by being you. No one else can be me. No one else can be you. Beauty isn't based on the outside it's based in your heart. Live beautifully, princess! :)

P.S

If ever you guys are wondering how my health is right now, I'm doing fine. Slowly healing :)